The Broke Picker

The Broke Picker

I shared in a recent blog the awareness God gave me when He said, “You are looking for religion when you already have a relationship with Me. ”Yes—relationship. That felt good and affirming. But then came the next step: learning what a relationship is supposed to be.

Google defines a relationship as “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected; an association between persons which can be emotional or otherwise. "It also defines connected as “brought together or into contact so that a real or emotional link is established.”

Well, that doesn’t tell me much. I’ve been connected to people, objects, and even ideas before—connections that came with emotions, yes—but the outcome was far from godly. And I’ll admit, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships, especially the so-called love ones.

My daddy used to tell me, “Your picker is broken—you pick the wrong guys.” And he would know—he was my “guy-picking” model.

When your relationship examples are jacked up, what do you do? You follow the lead. And then you wonder why nothing works. It’s a vicious cycle. My picker was broken because I was broken.

Broken people attract and are attracted to other broken people. We don’t go for the polished, confident, got-it-all-together type—because they’d see our broken, messy selves coming from a mile away.

• Nurturers pick those they can save.

• Saviors pick those who need saving.

• Controllers pick those they can control.

• Weak people pick strong people.

• Narcissists pick people who will give them admiration.

• Manipulators pick those they can use.

• Victims pick other victims so they can wallow together in self-hate—or they pick saviors to “make it all better.”

And on the flip side, successful and powerful people often pick others who are equally successful and powerful—or at least people who will help them maintain that image. It’s not rocket science. We attract the energy we put out. If that’s true, then maybe the real issue is that my energy was broken.

Looking back, my relationship history was patterned after my first male role models. The first man in my life was an alcoholic. Many others after him were either drunks or drug addicts. I picked men who were emotionally unavailable and/or mentally and physically abusive—because the first men I knew were emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. That became the blueprint. It lined the garden of my life.

With a background like that, how does a girl build a healthy relationship with the Supreme Being? For me, it was almost impossible.

I prayed. I read books. I listened to lectures. I studied other people’s relationships. I asked questions. I talked to girlfriends. I even talked to my male friends. And yet, I kept circling back to the same type of men over and over again.

What was wrong with me?

Then it hit me—me. I was the common denominator. That meant the work wasn’t just about finding a better man; it was about changing me.

So I got to work. I changed my location. I changed my style. I changed my circle. I tried new hobbies, networked in different spaces, went to different churches. I did everything I could to “get a new picker.” But somehow, I still ended up with the same type of men—just in different packaging. Same mess, different face.

I was almost ready to give up when God spoke again.

"The one thing you haven’t changed is your belief."

I said, “But God, I believe in You!”

He said, “No. Your unbelief is in YOU. You don’t believe you deserve good. You don’t believe I can bring you good. You are still carrying the lies that were planted in you. As long as you don’t see yourself as I see you, you will always think your picker is broken.”

That hit me like a floodlight. My energy was off because my self-view was off.

God was right. I still saw the broken, ugly, unworthy little girl when I looked in the mirror—even though I was a grown woman who had accomplished so much. I had raised two beautiful children. I had written books. I had traveled the world. I had spoken to hundreds of people and held leadership roles. On the outside, I had achieved; but on the inside, my soul had not been renewed.

These last few years have been a journey into incredible intimacy with my Friend—my God. A closeness I can’t fully put into words. One that has transformed both my outlook and my in-look. One that has cleared away the fog of the old ways. One that has awakened me in ways I once only dreamed of. One that has taught me how to love me and see me like my creator does. One that has brought me a new love, a healthy love, a love that picked me.

I now know my picker isn’t broken—because the One who picked me has reclaimed His prize. And with that, I have found the most important relationship of all: the one that is true.