Help My Unbelief

I have been in such a place of peace and trust in God. It feels different than it ever has before. God is teaching me, speaking more clearly to me, and growing me—in understanding, in love, and in hope. I am certain of His love for me, His purpose for me, and His plans for my life.

Yesterday, my sister preached a powerful word about unconditional trust in God. She reminded us that we know His power, we’ve seen His blessings, and we’ve experienced the results of faith and trust—yet in troubling times, doubt and questions still rise up. Her words were amazing, and I shouted in agreement. They echoed in my spirit, stirring up the call for fervent prayer and the reminder to trust God with all my heart, mind, and soul.

For over a year, I have been living with pain from an unsuccessful hip surgery in 2023. I tried everything I thought might help, but the pain persisted. Last month, after much prayer, I made the decision to undergo another surgery. Embracing this new version of myself has been difficult—the me who cannot move like I used to, who lacks the energy and motivation to travel, to attend events, and even to dance. Accepting these challenges, along with the reality of aging, has been heartbreaking. Yet through prayer and faith, I am learning to accept this season, believing that my purpose and value remain unchanged.

Last night, as I sat quietly in the bathroom, a wave of sadness and fear came over me. Despite all the confirmation I’ve received that faith would carry me through any challenge, fear and sorrow still crept in. I wondered what my life would look like if the surgery didn’t work. I felt weary from the constant pain—vulnerable, even broken—because I limp when I walk and sometimes my legs simply won’t move. In that moment, I felt powerless.

I realized I had been distracting myself from these fears by pouring into others, telling everyone I was okay, and keeping a positive outlook—because I truly do believe. But last night, the reality of my hidden feelings came crashing down.

This morning in prayer, God led me to Mark 9:24: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” At first, I felt guilty even acknowledging the word unbelief. But in this passage, a father, desperate for his son’s healing, admits to Jesus that though he believes, there are still places in him that wrestle with doubt. And Jesus responds—not with judgment, but with deliverance. That showed me it is okay to bring both our faith and our doubt to God.

It reminded me that God understands our fears and our limitations. Our faith may falter, but His power never does. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit—because it is not in our own strength or perfect faith that we overcome, but in union with the limitless power of God. Even mustard-seed faith, when joined with God’s greatness, is enough to move mountains.

Today, I understand that it’s not about whether I can do everything I used to do before the pain. It’s not about whether I walk with a limp or without one. It’s about trusting that the God who lives in me can do whatever He chooses according to His will—and knowing that no matter the outcome, I will be okay.

Even in my moments of uncertainty, with nothing more than mustard-seed faith, I can partner with God. He can increase, assure, carry through, and make real the tiniest spark of belief. I don’t have to have it all—because God does. And for that, I am thankful.

The father’s prayer in Mark 9 makes so much sense to me now. His honesty, vulnerability, and cry to Jesus declared, “Even in my limits, I know that You are limitless.” He was asking Jesus to stretch him, to grow him, to increase him. That cry for help moved Jesus to heal his son. His admission of weakness was the very reason he needed God all the more.

If it is His will, I will run like the eagles. If it is His will, I may carry a thorn in my side like Paul—and still be okay. If it is His will, I will live to see 100 years. If it is His will, I may not.

Yet whatever His will, I know this: I don’t have to face anything alone. God doesn’t expect us to do things in our own strength. He knows that we cannot. What he expects us to do is to bring our fears, weaknesses, uncertainties, second guesses, and pain to him so he can show us how strong his love and power is concerning us.

My faith in God grows stronger every day. I can look back over my life and see His hand upon me. I know He can. I have seen His love, His miracles, His mercy. And in that, there is no doubt—God can, and with Him, so can I.