Trusting the Transformation

Lately, I have been asking God to fully transform me, because my deepest desire is to be completely healed and truly free — free indeed. 

Romans 12:2 reminds us: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” 

But if I am completely honest, the more I ask God for healing, the more my mind replays the things I wish I could redo. 

In the middle of the night, old decisions come racing back — like unwanted reruns of a life I already lived. 

Outwardly, I move through life as though everything is fine. In fact, to many, I am seen as an example of transformation. 

But God knows the truth. 

Deep down, I struggle to fully believe that the transformation is real. 

Because if I am truly transformed… why do the memories of failure still visit me? 

These thoughts show up so often that they make me question my own faith. 

Faith is more than belief — faith is knowing. 

I know God has forgiven the misguided, hurried, reactive choices that detoured my life. I know healing comes through accountability, growth, and redirection. 

Yet somehow, I keep punishing the version of me who made those choices. 

I remember the moments when I reached the finish line — and chose to sit down. 

Moments when I was right there… and then turned around and walked away. 

Why did I do that? 

Sometimes it was because I chose other people’s needs before my own. Sometimes it was my impulsive nature. Sometimes it was my familiarity with chaos. 

But the deeper truth? 

Fear. 

Fear of losing something if I didn’t move fast. 

Fear created by distraction. 

Fear born from not fully believing I could achieve what I was preparing for. 

And the most transparent truth of all? 

I did not consult God. 

Instead, I did what I thought I needed to do. 

“Doing what you need to do” has become the silent anthem of many strong women — especially Black women. But too often, those words are not rooted in faith… they are rooted in survival. 

Survival mode keeps us running — steady movement on a hamster wheel that never actually leads anywhere. 

But I don’t want to just survive. 

I want to live boldly. 

I want to thrive completely. 

I want to trust securely. 

So I returned to the question: 

How does true transformation happen? 

Transformation is not surface change. It is a deep rearranging of the internal self — the mind, the ego, the behaviors — aligning us with a higher purpose. 

But do we ever reach complete transformation while we are still here? 

Or is transformation always in progress? 

Is there such a thing as being 40% transformed? 

For a moment, I even tried to reason it out scientifically — wondering if my brain chemistry, nutrition, or physical care had something to do with my lingering thoughts. 

Maybe I wasn’t feeding my brain properly. Maybe I wasn’t hydrating enough. Maybe my mind needed a detox. 

But truthfully? 

That was just noise. 

Because the real reason the past still haunted me was simple: 

God forgave me. 

But I had not forgiven myself. 

My mind knows I cannot change yesterday. 

So why do I revisit it? 

Because those moments made me distrust myself. 

And there it was — the real confession: 

I trust God. 

But I didn’t trust Valerie. 

Valerie can be reactive

Impetuous. 

A people-pleaser. 

A woman who made choices that ended in loss, embarrassment, and consequences that reached beyond herself. 

So what does that say about Valerie? 

And then God answered. 

Valerie is human

Valerie is My daughter. 

Nothing she has done surprised Me. 

I had a restoration plan before she was even born. 

I am the detour sign in her life.

I redirect. I reestablish. I rewire. 

I don’t need Valerie to be perfect.

I need her to trust Me. 

My children freeze in storms because fear overtakes faith. 

But I see the storm before it forms. 

I am the true weatherman. 

I bring the rain — but I also provide the umbrella. 

Transformation is not perfection. 

Transformation is trust. 

Every time we refuse to return to old habits, we are being transformed. Every time we stand in adversity, we are being transformed. Every time grief does not harden our hearts, we are being transformed. Every time we choose love over bitterness, we are being transformed. 

Transformation is not measured by: 

• Other people’s opinions 

• Social media validation 

• Money 

• Appearance 

• Popularity 

It is measured by alignment with God. 

It is the Lord who determines growth. 

So I end where I began — 

Seeking transformation. 

But now understanding: 

Transformation is not a destination. 

It is a relationship built on trust. 

And today… 

I choose to trust.